Induced Coma Read online

  FORT WAYNE, INDIANA

  BOOKS BY HAROLD JAFFE

  NONFICTION

  Revolutionary Brain

  Beyond the Techno-Cave: A Guerrilla Writer’s Guide to Post-

  Millennial Culture

  Nazis, Sharks & Serial Killers

  DOCUFICTION

  Induced Coma: 50 & 100 Word Stories

  Anti-Twitter: 150 50-Word Stories

  OD

  Paris 60

  Terror-Dot-Gov (visuals by Katana Blue)

  15 Serial Killers (visuals by Joel Lipman)

  False Positive

  Son of Sam

  NOVELS

  Jesus Coyote

  Othello Blues

  Dos Indios

  Mole’s Pity

  FICTION COLLECTIONS

  Sex for the Millennium

  Straight Razor (visuals by Norman Conquest)

  Eros Anti-Eros

  Madonna and Other Spectacles

  Beasts

  Mourning Crazy Horse

  Induced Coma

  Copyright © 2014 by Harold Jaffe

  First Anti-Oedipal Kindle Edition, September 2014

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author and publisher. Published in the United States by Anti-Oedipus Press, an imprint of Hawgstrüffel Media Group, Inc.

  Cover Design © 2014 by Bradley Sharp

  www.BradSharp.co.uk

  Interior Layout by D. Harlan Wilson

  www.DHarlanWilson.com

  Anti-Oedipus Press

  Fort Wayne, IN

  www.Anti-OedipusPress.com

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  Gratitude to Andy O’Clancy and KM Seehaus for reading my manuscript and making suggestions.

  Terrorism is the war of the poor

  War is the terrorism of the rich

  CONTENTS

  Induced Coma

  Raw Steak

  Triage

  Silicon

  Freeze-Dry

  Gangsta

  Australian Boys

  Doctors Amputated

  Surgical Towel

  5-Inch Knife

  The Pope’s Cologne

  Grits

  Demented

  E-Everything

  Pricked

  Brit Love

  High Low

  Spelunk

  Claustro

  Lonely People

  Gluteoplasty

  Vodka

  Overdue Blake

  Einstein

  Tiresias

  Dostoyevsky

  Cezanne

  My Erection

  Urinal

  Peeing for Distance

  Toilet Seat

  Naruto

  Lolita

  Stink Bomb

  Pet Girl

  Freely

  She (2)

  Abduct

  A Pascagoula

  Burn

  A Young Man

  Slimed

  Tarantula

  Black Widow

  Queef

  Anonymous

  Correspondence

  Hitler Fart

  Mafia Croc

  Pig Spleen

  Snake Does Golf

  Biofuel

  Tyger

  Wombat

  Hippo

  Bald Eagles

  Marius

  Nuclear Waste

  Holy Semen

  Lug Nut

  Steak Knife & Nut Wrench

  Pierce

  Texas Fat

  Egg in Texas

  Goog

  Loving Robots

  Neticide

  A Bangladeshi

  A Bangladeshi

  Bela Lugosi

  Undead

  Bela Lugosi

  Dead Man Joking

  War Story

  Osama

  Obama

  World Peace

  Sharkteeth

  Niqab

  Millions of Women

  Thigh Gap

  Housework

  A Pair of Historic Sex Toys

  Bed-Warmer

  Fat Flyers

  Ugly

  9/11

  911

  50 Drunk Santas

  Snowman Creep

  The Schizophrenia Supporter Success Kit

  Schizo Speaks

  Stella

  Jacko’s White Glove

  Her Mangled

  Vidcam Shades

  Walmart

  Walmart

  Last Lines

  6th Mass Extinction

  Murfreesboro

  Short Rage

  Things to Do

  Rockstar ’69

  Coke $$

  Thong

  Neutral

  Define

  Swallow

  Sex Offenders

  Sex Offenders

  Things to Do

  Cancer

  Couch Potato

  A Hunting Dog

  Jelly

  Skinks

  Conjoined

  Twin

  Twins

  Mantis Shrimps

  Esperanto

  Wanted

  How Do I Start!!!

  Online Nude

  Third World Taboos

  Machete

  Severed

  Trans

  The Yorkshire Ripper

  Turnpike Turkey

  Romping

  Nuns on Bikes

  Guinness

  Guinness

  Hot Sauce

  Marcel

  DIY

  Futurismo

  Brainwave

  Boot

  Cucumber Coffin

  Funkee Hairstyles

  Hypo

  A Chinese

  Galina Korzhova

  Mephisto

  One Stolen Shoe

  Smoothie

  Testicle

  The Almost-Planet Pluto

  Dialogues with Death

  Noir

  Induced Coma

  is increasingly common in medical procedures.

  Patients lapsing back to real time claim it’s a sweet space.

  Coma-land.

  Parallel world, noiseless, zero technology.

  You can hang there for a long time like Jesus without nails.

  But isn’t this coma-land of yours just a degraded version of Nirvana?

  Absolutely.

  Raw Steak

  A female was detained after hitting a male in the face with raw steak.

  She hit him with raw steak after he refused sliced bread.

  The male said he wanted a bread roll.

  The female admitted hitting him with raw steak, saying she did it “so he could learn.”

  Triage

  As his wife screamed desperately in murky river water, the frantic New Zealander abandoned a bid to rescue his 9-year-old son to rescue his wife.

  The New Zealander’s son drowned but he managed to save his wife after her car had plunged into the Whanganui river in dense fog.

  Silicon

  A Korean couple allowed their biological child to starve to death because of their addiction to rearing a virtual child in a “Second-Lifestyle” game online called Silicon.

  They would feed their unnamed three-month-old baby only when not at 12-hour online sessions, obsessed with raising their internet child, called Kim.

  Freeze-Dry

  Doctors are attempting to freeze-dry a severely disabled girl, 9-years-old, to keep her child-size at her parents’ request.

  Born with static encephalopathy, she cannot walk or talk and has the mental capacity of a month-old infant.

  Watch the child twist her mouth grotesquely and emit animal noises. [Vid
eo]

  Gangsta

  A 4-year old is nabbed for indecent exposure and a 6-year-old is arrested for armed robbery, as the lawlessness spreads.

  Recent statistics include a child of 5 assaulting a nun and a pair of stoned, pierced 9-year-olds driving stolen buses.

  Obtained under the Freedom of Information Act, 1753-and-a-half crimes a year are committed by “under 10s,” with the real figure thought to be much higher.

  An expert laid the blame squarely on parents and pre-school teachers: “Kids run amok because they have never been taught what is acceptable behavior. The adult world has failed them.”

  Australian Boys

  are more violent than American boys.

  976 males aged 12 to 16 in Melbourne and Philadelphia were asked if in the previous year they’d attacked someone with the idea of doing serious harm.

  16.8 percent of Aussie boys said they had, compared with 13.3 percent of the Philly boys.

  Doctors Amputated

  the healthy leg of an 83-year-old man, then, realizing their error, amputated his healthy arms.

  Finally, they came to their senses & amputated his diseased leg.

  “I was shocked when I raised the sheets & saw they had taken all his limbs,” the man’s daughter told radio station PPQ.

  Surgical Towel

  Surgeons who operated on a 53-year-old Japanese man to remove a “tumor” had good news and funky news for him. He did not have cancer, but the “growth” that had been causing him pain was a 27-year-old surgical towel.

  “The surgical towel was greenish blue though we are not sure about its original color,” the Asahi General Hospital spokesperson admitted. “It was crumpled to the size of a baseball.”

  Hospital officials visited the man, who was not identified, and humbly apologized for their 27-year-old error.

  While in the operating room the man had his spleen removed.

  5-Inch Knife

  He walked into Starbucks with a 5-inch knife sticking out of his chest, ordered decaf cappuccino, borrowed a cellphone from a patron, phoned 911 for an ambulance, told the operator he’d been stabbed and was drinking cappuccino “because it’s cold outside.”

  He died in Starbucks before the ambulance arrived.

  The Pope’s Cologne

  is composed from the secret formula of Pope Pius IX (1792-1878).

  We obtained the formula from descendants of Pius’s Papal Guard commander and lifelong companion, General Didier LeGrande.

  We followed the complex, exclusive formula meticulously, using the same essential oils that the papal perfumers reverently employed 200 years ago.

  This is a truly exquisite cologne with a captivating freshness, featuring notes of columbine, rue, red cedar, bergamot, and natural musk (which contains enticing pheromones.)

  It is an honor for us to be able to produce this historically elite cologne and make it available for your purchase today.

  Grits

  A 44-year-old woman was booked after pouring boiling grits onto her sleeping boyfriend, causing second-degree burns on his groin and legs.

  Back from work, they bickered.

  He threatened to quit her.

  He fell asleep.

  Query: She had coffee and bean soup on the stove—why douse

  him with grits?

  Demented

  40 million people around the world are demented.

  An ominous forecast as the population grays.

  The new count is 14 percent higher than scientists predicted just a year ago.

  Barring a medical miracle dementia will double every 20 years.

  By 2050, it will affect virtually everyone.

  E-Everything

  In this era of social networking, cloud computing & e-everything, we routinely entrust our identities to the corporate sectors.

  But to what extent can we trust them?

  What’s your approach to online privacy?

  I steer away from social network sites like the plague; don’t want my shit online.

  I use pseudonyms and fake email addresses, so no worries.

  Only thing I’ve signed up for online is free porn.

  I always carry at least one condom in my wallet but still worry about infection.

  I’ll sign up for anything. If someone cops my identity, I’ll cop someone else’s.

  Pricked

  He pricked her twice with the sewing needle while she slept.

  She discovered a sting-like mark on her left thigh.

  Later she saw him in the garage with a syringe full of blood.

  In September, she found she was HIV-positive.

  Police charged the offending male 43 days later.

  Brit Love

  The chance of finding the perfect partner in Britain is almost nil.

  I am a professional pale male, nationality British, aged 33. Statistically, there are 26 females in London with whom I might have a comparatively smart & sexy relationship. Translation: On a given night out in London there is a 0.0000034 percent chance of meeting a special female. That’s 1 in 285,000.

  Select one of the following:

  The stats may sound depressing to people looking for love, but the so-so good news is it’s probably not your fault.

  Lousy odds, but who said being British was easy.

  High Low

  At 3 PM, the Swiss climber Jean-Pierre Culotte, “elated, exultant,” stood on the roof of the world in bright sunlight gazing down at the Himalayas.

  Now Mount Everest is his grave, because minutes later he suddenly went blind, had to be abandoned, perished from the cold.

  Spelunk

  The Utah cave where a medical student suffocated to death last week will be closed and his body will stay put.

  The announcement said it was too dangerous to try to recover the spelunker’s body.

  He died hours after getting wedged into an unmapped passage of Nutty Putty Cave.

  Claustro

  No spelunking in Katmandu

  No descent into Les Catacombes de Paris

  No corporate building elevator on weekends

  No cramped basement toilet in Marseilles

  No swimming underwater in the echoing indoor pool

  No scuba-doo in Quintana Roo

  No Poe tales of interment

  No sexy choking games such as upper caste Brits play

  No entering the commercial aircraft until the air conditioning is on

  No MRI tube

  No execution by hanging

  No Peter Greenaway films

  No confinement in “black” rendition camps

  No drinking alone after midnight

  No being stuck in a nun’s habit in a Bunuel satire

  No confessional box, Father

  Lonely People

  Loneliness is contagious, reports a US research team.

  It spreads among people & females are especially vulnerable.

  Lonely people transmit their lonely feelings to others.

  Societies develop a natural tendency to shed lonely people; this was confirmed in lab tests on gerbils.

  These shedding effects mean that our social fabric can fray at the edges like a loose yarn at the end of a crocheted sweater.

  Because loneliness is associated with mental and physical diseases that shorten life, it is crucial that we help those affected with loneliness before they wrench away from us, out of sight.

  Gluteoplasty

  A former Miss Brazil, 36, died while undergoing cosmetic surgery on her buttocks.

  Friend: “The procedure involved injections and the liquid went to her lungs and brain. A woman with everything died for a firmer behind.”

  Surgeon: “She arrived with acute respiratory deficiency. Her degraded condition enabled the embolism.”

  Vodka

  Male swallows a liter of top-shelf vodka rather than surrender it to airport personnel (who themselves would drink it after hours).

  New regulations designed to obstruct terroris
m (which the “First World” itself provoked) prohibit passengers from carrying quantities of liquid onto aircraft. (Does that apply equally to first- and biz-class passengers?)

  Informed at a security check that he would have to relinquish the vodka or pay a hefty fee to have his carry-on bag checked as cargo, the male opened the bottle, chugged the liquor down on the spot, passed out, died.